The Sharps. The Flats. The Keys.
- Rheena
- Dec 11, 2024
- 7 min read
Rheena | Date: Dec 9, 2024, 5:52 PM | Last Updated: Dec 11, 2024, 10:57 AM.
You could have one thing in your life that you started doing at an early age, and as you continue to grow, your experiences can change. That's very true for myself, with piano.
How It Started
From an old picture of mine, my grandma was already letting me touch keys around when I was 7 months old. Of course, nothing extraordinary came out of it, for I was just a small infant pressing random keys. However, by the age of 5 and 6, that's when I started piano lessons. As a younger child, I remember the techniques of how to set my fingers properly on the piano, learning notes, and simple melodies. These skills will be used greatly in the years to come, with even more musical theory. Year, by year, things progressively got harder. Not only the difficulties of being more disciplined but also with how to continue persevering.
A ♯Sharp Turn
Progressing to new levels acquired new opportunities, which were recitals and competitions. I don't know exactly what changed in me to be more nervous to play the piano now versus from earlier years, but there was a sharp turn. Right before COVID-19 started, I had a piano audition (the auditions come before the competitions), and when it was my turn to play, I was able to play a portion of the beginning of the piece, until I suddenly forgot the next note. I just completely blanked out! The judge then brought my piano book, so I could read my piece, even though the pieces to be played in an audition and competition are to be memorized. I tried reading the piece, the next note, however I still didn't know what that ONE note was.
The judge was thankfully kind and pointed it out, that I was missing a high B (if we're getting technical, I'm referring to a B5). Well, I swear that's what I remembered. The fact this experience was so sharp is because it cut the confidence or comfortability in me to just play in front of a bunch of people. In fact, till this day, I still get nervous. That kind judge understood that I got nervous, and he explained his own experience with nervousness. Not only did he help me with my mistakes, but he still let me pass to move on to the competition, which didn't end up happening because COVID-19 started. I don't know why and how that my year in level 2 of piano had to be the start of my anxiety towards piano playing. The years before, I was fine, but even in level 7 right now, I still get nervous. From the sweaty hands to the shiver down my spine.
The ♯Sharp Anxiety, and The ♭Flat Thoughts
Getting anxious gets my head spinning, my hands sweaty, my legs shaking, and my fingers once set on the keys get nervous to play the first note(s). It is definitely terrifying to get the first note(s) wrong; not only that but especially to get stuck on some part in the piece and try playing it over and over again till you realize you're completely blanked out. Then there are thoughts that are so flat and low, wondering if you're even good at this. I for one, get so scared mainly because of the audience, for I don't know what's in their thoughts when I make a mistake. When I literally blank out that the melody stops. By the time I finish playing, and they say, "Wow! You're so good!", I don't even know if they're true to their words.
Over the years, I usually got an honourable mention, which is fourth place in the competition. Only recently was I able to move to higher positions, like within the podium. I've got chances of also being third, second, and first. No matter what place I got, there was still anxiety in me before playing, and even somewhat after.
When I make mistakes, whether in the auditions or competitions, I always look down on myself after. Why? Because I realized that I probably could've done way better than that, and I don't deserve any reward. Rewards that are simply just like a compliment. Could it be that I'm so conscious of making mistakes, that it gets so drilled into my head, that I make a mistake otherwise? Well, that's probably the reason because I was told that the more I think about making mistakes and getting worried, I end up doing so. That's the thing about being anxious, worried, or nervous. Those thoughts get so caught up in your head, that the world seems to just take a pause, and then you don't know how to keep moving. You're stuck.
The 🎹Keys
Anxiety shouldn't stick around forever in everything you and I do. If it did, then there would be no progression. My friend even told me this, "You need (more) confidence because how will you improve?" He said. Now, it's also not good to be overconfident, but what my friend was trying to point out here is that if you keep staying low, and being scared to reach the next level, there won't be great improvement.
Let's be honest, if you can't get past some sort of level, how will you make it to the next if you keep staying there? My problem was I couldn't get past the part of playing in front of such an audience. Laziness, sometimes I didn't want to practice, but now I am to look at piano playing as something fun to do aside from all the other distractions in life. Perfectionism, had a role in this as well because I was dreading to make mistakes. I still do even today, for it takes so much practice to get comfortable to just play in front of people, and also to have the right mindset.
A downside on my account to being so nervous before playing the piano are my sweaty hands. I'd always try wiping my hands on my clothes, so they'd supposedly be dry. However once I'm seated and set to play, it also just gets suddenly cold; a shiver down my spine and through my fingers. It was eventually pointed out that I shouldn't be wiping my hands constantly on my clothes because it's also improper. Therefore, my grandma gave me a handkerchief. This was a physical key point to help me through these sweaty hands. I think it absorbed much more sweat than my dress.
The real problem having sweaty hands on the piano is that the fingers can slide off the keys; everything gets slippery, and the last thing you'd want is the whole piece you're playing to end up sloppy. That's why it took me some personal preparation, so I'm ready to play, and ready to conquer. Using a handkerchief was only a physical aspect, it was only a helpful method for the outside of me. However the anxiety goes deeper than what's above.
Spiritual Keys
As a Christian, I know God is with me, however that doesn't mean I never get anxious. The horrible thing about anxiety, is that it takes my mind away from what's happening. Like I said, it's like the whole world around you just pauses. I'd let anxiety take me away from the truth. I've let it fill my thoughts with lies. Thinking about false things about myself that just kept putting me down. In the midst of this, I learned that I can cast my worries to Jesus. He will take care of it all, for everything is in His hands. I can't see the future, however, Hebrews 11:1 (NIV) says, "Now faith is confidence in what we hope for and assurance about what we do not see."
Anxiety was eating me, and I had to be reminded that there's a God, Who watches over me and is in control. I can't control what is to come. I can't control the possible mistakes to occur. Certainly, I can't control whether I can play a piano piece or do anything perfectly in the ways I wish to. At the end of the day, you and I are still both humans living in this fleshly, imperfect world. We all make mistakes, but that doesn't mean we have to let them eat us up, and make us think we don't have worth or aren't welcome to forgiveness. I can't see God, but that's how faith is.
You know those times when you encourage a friend by saying something like, "I have faith in you!"? Well, you say that because you hope for your friend to accomplish whatever they're doing, however, you don't know what the actual outcome will be. You don't know if all will go well, but because you believe, and it's a choice you made, you have confidence because it's what you really hope for.
In my case with piano, I don't know how God will work out my whole performance, so it was important to be reminded that I have to try focusing on Him, God alone. I'm playing for Him; no one else. I have an audience of One. That's why two keys that helped me was reciting helpful Bible verses in my head over and over again, along with prayer. It's still nerve-wracking as I wait for my turn to play my pieces, however I use that time to get ready not only physically, but more spiritually. The inside is more important than the outside because it all starts there.
Moving Forward
Currently, like I said, I still get nervous before playing the piano, especially in front of others. However, I know that these opportunities that I'm given to play in front of others, I think of them as a practice of learning to just play in front of an audience. Whether it's a recital, a Christmas party, an audition, or a competition. It will still definitely take a lot of practice, and that doesn't mean it can go by so quickly. It takes time. So before I play, I like these two Bible verses.
Philippians 4:6-7 (ESV) says, "do not be anxious about anything, but in everything by prayer and supplication with thanksgiving let your requests be made known to God. And the peace of God, which surpasses all understanding, will guard your hearts and your minds in Christ Jesus.", and Joshua 1:9 (ESV) says, "Have I not commanded you? Be strong and courageous. Do not be frightened and do not be dismayed, for the Lord your God is with you wherever you go." Along with these I also just pray that God will help me play every note, and whatever happens, I ask that He'll help me focus on playing for Him, and just forget about everyone else who's watching and listening. I have hope in Him that He will work through me. Just like in the song "Way Maker" written by Osinachi Okoro, here are a few amazing lines:
Even when I don't see it, You're working
Even when I don't feel it, You're working
You never stop, You never stop working x2
This is so true because even if I don't know or if I don't see what God's doing, all I can say is that He's working. He can work in anyone. Through me and you.
God bless! Here's the link to "Way Maker", if you care to listen:
